


Shuffled Playlists

by Mad_Matti06



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Anxiety, College, F/M, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Illness, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Terrible Humor, They call Espen EpiPen because he’s deathly allergic to avocados, Vivian Cleary’s A+ Parenting, smol gay beans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:14:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23254531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Matti06/pseuds/Mad_Matti06
Summary: August, a college student and library aide that struggles with social anxiety and anxiety-induced asthma, lives a pretty normal life. He keeps to himself, excels in his college classes, and writes his music, though he’s never told anyone about that last thing. That is, until Beck comes along. Beck convinces August to join his band and starts to show the world that there is more to August Cleary than meets the eye.
Relationships: August/Beck, Talazia/Casin





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m hoping to get this published sometime in the near future! All of the lyrics in this are lyrics I’ve written myself due to copyright concerns. I hope you like it!<3
> 
> ~~~ = flashbacks  
> ....... = time skips

August slipped his headphones onto his head, set his phone to his favorite playlist, and pressed play. The music thrummed into his ears, the headphones vibrating at every beat of the drums, every strum of guitar, every lyric sung into the microphone. He, himself, was a musician, a singer, a song writer, but he was too socially awkward to ever actually join a band. His social anxiety stopped him from doing a lot of things, really, but he was fine with that. Once people broke past the shell that his social anxiety built around him, he was actually very expressive and social. He was in college, majoring in Astronomy. It was his dream to work for NASA as a research scientist, an aeronautical engineer, anything short of an astronaut. Anything but an astronaut. It gave August anxiety just thinking about all the different scenarios, all the different ways he could die in space, his lifeless, frozen body floating around in the dark void of space and time-

He instantly pushed the thoughts from his mind, focusing on the present. He laid his skateboard on the ground, all the while humming along to the song that was currently blasting into his ears: _Bad Girls Club_ by _Falling In Reverse_. The music was probably loud enough for the people he passed to hear, but he really didn’t care. As long as he got the message across that he did not want to be talked to. He put his left foot on the skateboard, pushed off with his right, and started to glide to his dorm. The autumn breeze whipped through his curly auburn hair and chilled his bones. He briefly looked down at his outfit - a cozy, oversized pink sweater, light blue ripped skinny jeans, and white converse - before looking back up to the path as red, yellow, and orange leaves floated to the ground. He loved the feeling of wearing oversized sweaters. August was tiny; skinny and short, so most shirts and sweaters were oversized. They made him feel so cozy and warm, especially in the Fall and Winter months. He knew riding his skateboard just made the bitter cold sting his skin more than just walking to the dorms like everyone else did, but he could either be really cold, really fast, or normally cold for longer.

August worked in the library at the college, so he never really had to leave campus for anything except restocking toiletries, the occasional shopping spree, and a weekly hangout at his favorite milkshake shoppe with his only two friends, Buffy and Cass. they always joked that Buffy was a reincarnate of the vampire slayer, especially when Buffy went through her paranormal investigator faze. Cass was a boy who August met through working at the library. Cass also worked at the library and also had a passion for music, so they instantly bonded. He loved his friends wholeheartedly, and they loved him just as much. They never made him do anything that made him uncomfortable, like joining clubs or going to parties with them. They were like three peas in a pod. They got each other.

August walked up the steps to the dorms, skateboard in hand. He sped up the two flights of stairs that led to his dorm. He walked in, turned on the lights, and practically slammed the door. He really never meant to slam the door, he was just using his normal amount of strength. Most people said it was because of his short temper. He was a hothead, as Cass called it. The first day he had come to the dorm, after he had opened the door and ended up making a whole in the wall with the doorknob, Cass had said that since August was short, he didn’t have enough room to contain all his anger so his body had to release it. “Scientifically proven,” Cass had teased. “I am not short.” August had grumbled. “You guys are just freakishly tall.” Cass had laughed hysterically at that.

It was August’s second year at college, and definitely didn’t miss P.E. He was asthmatic, so of course he had sucked at P.E. He tried not to dwell on that too much as he took a puff from his inhaler. Random thoughts like this came to his mind often, but his mind was too tired to really think about anything at the moment. He would deal with it in the morning.

…………………...

August woke up at exactly 7:30. All the other students were still sleeping, it being a Saturday and all, but August had to work at the library. He didn’t mind having to wake up early to work on a Saturday, because no one usually came in on the weekends. He went into the bathroom and turned on the light, his eyes immediately squinting from the sudden brightness. When his eyes adjusted, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a mess of auburn curls that flopped over his chocolate chip eyes, hooded by exceptionally long eyelashes. His button nose was sprayed with a massive amount of dark freckles. He gave his reflection a small smile and pointed finger guns. It was so easy to compliment and talk to himself, so why was it so hard to talk to other people? He brushed this thought away as he ran his fingers through his hair and left the bathroom.

August was standing in front of his wardrobe. He had already thrown on white ripped skinny jeans and a light teal oversized turtleneck sweater, but what shoes was he gonna wear with it? He stood there for a few more minutes, trying to figure out what shoes would go best with his outfit and finally decided on his pair of pink and white checkered vans. Every item of clothing that August owned was pastel. Well, except for a black graphic tee that read ‘DON’T TALK TO ME’ in big pink letters across the front. It had been a gift from Buffy on his 16th birthday, and was still too big for him. He only ever wore it when he went for a run, went to the gym, and occasionally to sleep in. when he had unfolded it after Buffy had shoved it into his arms excitedly, she had told him, “Just wear this everyday! Then, if someone tries to talk to you, you can just take your jacket off and point to the shirt!” He chuckled as her words played in his head and shut the wooden wardrobe doors.

His phone vibrated as he finished slipping his shoes on and the screen lit up with a message:

**Buffy:** Good morning sunshine! <3

_Speak of the devil,_ August thought as he smiled to himself.

**August:** Good morning, Buffy.

**Buffy:** R u working today? :)

**August:** Yes, I am. I’m heading there now.

**Buffy:** Texting while skateboarding? Dangerous!!!

**August:** Says the girl who convinced me to smoke when we’re both asthmatic.

**Buffy:** THAT’S NOT THE POINT!

**August:** We almost died!

**Buffy:** Yeah but we had a great time:D

**August:** I did not.

**Buffy:** Cass has videos of us laughing our asses off while wheezing and rolling on the floor

**August:** Whatever.

**Buffy:** I win! :D

**August:** Fuck you.

**Buffy:** :o

**Buffy:** ANYWAY

**Buffy:** I can bring you some lunch at 12 if you want

**August:** Wait, really?!?

**Buffy:** yep:)

**August:** If I wasn’t gay, I would so date you right now.

**Buffy:** Well i am the best

**August:** That’s debatable.

**Buffy:** Do u want me to bring you lunch or not? >:(

**August:** Okay, okay! I’m sorry! You are the best!

**August:** Please bring me food.

**Buffy:** I will XD

**August:** Thanks. See you at noon?

**Buffy:** Yep!!! Luv u! <3

**August:** Love you, too.

**August:** <3

**Buffy:** GASP:o

**Buffy:** August Cleary?!? Using EMOTICONS?!? I thought that was physically impossible!

**Buffy:** You never even make grammar mistakes!

**Buffy:** This is the best day of my life!!!!!!!!!:))))

August smiled as he closed out of his messaging app and opened the main door of his dorm building. He plugged his earbuds in and swiped through his Spotify playlists until he found his favorite one: 80’s Top 100 Hits. he pressed play and his ears were automatically filled with the start of _Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go_ by _Wham!_. He absolutely loved 80’s music. His dad had turned it on whenever they went anywhere when August was a kid. He didn’t really remember much of his dad. He had been struggling a lot with osteogenesis imperfecta when August was nine, and had passed away by the time he turned ten. So, listening to 80’s music felt like honoring his dad’s memory, in a way. Either way listening to 80’s music always put him in a good mood. August laid his skateboard on the ground and started to make his way to the library.

…………………………...

Working in the Library was oddly calming for August. Especially on the weekends. No one ever really came in on Saturday and Sunday, so usually, he would just end up spending hours upon hours cleaning and reorganizing the Library, putting away books, or reading his own thick, well loved horror novels. He got paid surprisingly well for it, and he barely had to interact with anyone, other than Cass and the librarian, Ms. Crowe. August loved it.

Soon enough, noon rolled around. August was so engrossed in his horror novel, _The Shining_ by Stephen King. He was not easily scared. It was rare for anything to freak him out, but he loved the adrenaline rush he got from watching thrillers, the way the hair on the back of his neck stood up as goosebumps spread across his skin when he read a particularly spooky scene. He was a complete fanatic for all things horror, especially the works of Stephen King. He was lounging in the office chair at the front desk, his face shoved in his novel, feet propped up on the desk’s surface , when a loud thump startled him out of his thoughts. The sudden shift in his position made the chair’s wheels slip out from under it, making the chair tip and fall to the ground with August sitting in it. He hit the ground with a pained grunt. The source of the sound that caused him to fall burst into laughter, and August could already tell who it was. Buffy.

He stood up, rubbing his lower back. He was met with a wheezing Buffy, her now purple hair, which seemed to be a new color each week, was pulled into a very messy bun, and her pale face was red from her booming laughter that was now quiet giggles as she tried to calm herself down while taking a few puffs of her inhaler.

“ Now that,” She wheezed, “was hilarious! You should have seen your face.” Buffy continued to talk, but August wasn’t listening. He was already pulling food out of the bag she had set on the desk. It was chinese takeout, August’s favorite.

“ I got you shrimp fried rice, lobster lo mein, an eggroll, and a fortune cookie.”

“ Yes! Thank so much!” He exclaimed, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. “ you really are the best.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” she mumbled as she wiped her cheek with her sleeve. “ Just don’t touch the teriyaki chicken, or I will strangle you.”

They ate in comfortable silence, August reaching teasingly with his fork at Buffy’s teriyaki chicken from time to time, where she would raise her fist threateningly each time, and he would surrender throwing his hands up in the air with mock defeat. When they started to finish up Buffy looked to him and asked,

“ So, did ya have to deal with any annoying kids today?”

August smiled. “Nope,” he replied. He had spent the day cleaning up the Library, taking care of one of his favorite places to be. The campus library was quite grand. It reminded August of the Library from Beauty and the beast, grand and glorious, but at the same time cozy and comforting. He loved spending time in there, caring for the books and cleaning the shelves. He was never the one to interact with the students seeking help, though, because of his anxiety, so they were usually sent to Cass or Ms. Crowe. There was even a big neon sign at the front desk that read, ‘Looking for help? Look for Cass or Ms. Crowe for answers to your questions!’ August thought it was sweet of Ms. Crowe to do that for him. Cass and August also wore nametags so the students didn’t think August was Cass and try to ask him for help. Ms. Crowe was like a mother figure for August, always caring about what he had to say and putting into consideration things that were going on in his life. She cared about him, acted more like a mother than his actual one did.

He froze. His face fell.

His mother.

He hadn’t talked to his mother in exactly two months and 5 days. On that day, September 2nd, they had their biggest fight yet. Well, the biggest fight over the phone, at least. The biggest one ever was when he was seventeen, sitting in the kitchen on October 11th. National Coming Out Day.

~~~~~

_August was a senior. He finally had his driver’s license, which his mom did not approve of, so at any given time after graduation, he could legally pack his bags and drive away and leave this town and his mother behind. He felt giddy at the thought, being able to leave. His psycho of a mom was someone he would definitely not be missing. He looked down at his phone. It was October 11th. He planned to come out as gay to his mom at breakfast, because, really, what more did he have to lose? He headed to the cabinets. His mother wasn’t awake yet, which wasn’t that surprising since it was four in the morning. He got to work, grabbing all the ingredients he needed to make breakfast. He was making rainbow pancakes. He couldn’t help but smile excitedly. This was gonna be awesome._

_August heard footsteps padding down the stairs at seven o’clock. He quickly shoveled two pancakes onto a plate._

_“Goodmorning, Gussie Gus.” she yawned and pinched August’s cheek. He flinched at the nickname. She had been calling him that since he was four, when he convinced her to let him watch Cinderella. He offered her the pancakes in response. She frowned._

_“ What on earth are these?” she glanced down at him expectantly. God, sometimes he hated being short._

_“They’re pancakes,” he mumbled. Her frown deepened._

_“What’s with the...uhm...colors?” He knew she would say that, knew this was coming. His voice still caught in his throat when she said it, though._

_“I actually needed to tell you something,” August guided his mother with a gentle hand to her seat at the dining table. He took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I’m g-gay,” he blurted out, sqeezing his eyes shut. Silence. He slowly opened them to see his mom’s angered scowl, face reddened by an angry flush, as she slapped him with a cold, bony hand. His head whipped to the side. His cheek stung. He hadn’t expected that._

_“You aren’t gay. Do you hear me? You are straight. You are attracted to women, and only women. Do you understand me?,” she demanded._

_“No.”_

_His mother’s eyes widened. August didn’t even notice he had said that aloud until he saw his mother’s reaction._

_“What did you say to me?,” she growled. August’s anger bubbled over._

_“ I said NO!” he raged. “You can’t just force me to like girls, mom! That’s not how this works! I like guys! MEN! There’s nothing wrong with that! I hate you, did you know that? You’ve always controlled everything I do!” His vision started to blur as tears spilled down his cheeks. “And I did everything you wanted me to do in hopes of you actually loving me! I did things I hated just to please you! But I’m done.” August spun on his heels and stormed out of the house, grabbing his skateboard and phone as he headed out the door. He didn’t bother closing it._

_“Augustine Xavier Louis Cleary! Get back here this instant! I am your MOTHER! Listen to me!” he heard his mother scream after him, but he didn’t turn back. He just sped off on his skateboard. He didn’t go to school that day. He had sped straight to Buffy’s house, where he told her everything. Unlike his mother, she comforted him and gave him one of her big monster hugs that always cheered him up. They ended up having a sleepover that night, binge watching August’s favorite horror films and drowning his sorrows with ice cream._

~~~~~

He was dragged back to the present by Buffy, who was waving her hands in front of his face.

“Hello, earth to August!” She wore a concerned expression on her pale face. “You okay?” He blinked rapidly, shaking the memory out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, yeah, just uh… just thinking,” he mumbled. She was obviously not convinced, but she didn’t push him. She offered him a warm smile as she handed him a large caramel frappe.

“Figured you could use it,” she shrugged. “Well, as much as I would love to sit here for nine more hours with you and annoy you to death, I gotta get to work,” she sighed as she gathered the trash from their lunch. August stood and gave her a quick hug as Buffy started to head towards the side exit of the Library that led straight outside.

“Okay, enough hugging. Get back to your ‘job’,” she laughed, using air quotations.

After that, August went back to checking in books, studying for his upcoming test, reading _The Shining_ , normal things he usually did at the Library. When the clock struck 8:40, twenty minutes till closing, August grabbed his lyric notebook and went to his favorite corner of the library; it was completely enclosed in floor-to-ceiling bookshelves filled with horror novels and had one of those egg chair things that hung from the ceiling. It was the corner he always went into when he was writing lyrics, but he only ever went back there when he was sure no one was coming into the Library. He didn’t want anyone to hear him sing.

August opened his notebook to the newest song he was working on at the moment, which he named Autumn Leaves. He started to softly sing what he had so far:

_Getting up and walking out the door,_

_leaving your past behind you_

_Stepping out into the fresh air,_

_those leaves of your old life falling to the ground,_

_leaving room for new buds to sprout_

He continued, getting louder and more confident with how the song was coming along.

_The past is gone,_

_The future is right here,_

_The door is wide open,_

_Let’s walk through together_

_Autumn leaves crunching beneath our feet_

“That was amazing,” a voice suddenly murmured from behind him. August gasped, jumping out of his chair to face the boy who had spoken. He came face to face with one of the most beautiful boys he had ever seen. The boy was tall and scrawny, August only coming up to the guy’s shoulders. He was really pale, too, his dark freckles almost popping out against his cheeks.his slender nose had a simple silver hoop through his left nostril. His hair was a mess of jet black curls that were pink, blue, and white at the tips. His eyes were big and captivating, a piercing pale blue. He wore a black graphic tee showing some random shrek meme with a black and white striped long sleeved shirt underneath, black ripped skinny jeans, drumsticks poking out of the back pocket, and shiny maroon Doc Martins. He was beautiful.

“Holy fuck! You scared the shit outta me,” August gasped, taking a puff of his inhaler. The mysterious boy smirked.

“Sorry,” he said softly. “Your singing was just so beautiful, I didn’t want to interrupt.” August could feel his face growing hot from the compliment.

“Oh, th-thanks...uhm…,” August offered the boy a shy smile and looked at him expectantly. The boy seemed to realize what he meant as his eyes widened in understanding.

“Oh, right! Um, I’m Beckett, but most people call me Beck. I’m majoring in psychology. I’m also in a band, and I think you would be a great addition to it,” he gave August a toothy grin. “It’s August, right?”

August stared at Beckett in confusion. He almost couldn’t believe this kid was studying psych. “No…,” he muttered. “It’s… It’s November,” Beckett burst into a laughing fit at that. It was a full body laugh, head flung back, body shaking with the sound.

“I meant your name,” Beck explained. August’s cheeks flamed up.

“Oh, um, right. Yeah, I’m August, as you can see,” he pointed to the name tag pinned to his sweater. “I’m majoring in Astronomy. Um, did you need help finding- what are you doing?,” while he was talking, Beck had somehow gotten ahold of August’s phone and was typing something into it. August was taken aback by how easy it was to talk to Beck. Usually, when he had to talk to anyone that he wasn’t friends with, his throat closed up, making it close to impossible to talk or breathe. But when he started talking to Beck, the words flowed easily and his breathing was normal. Beck looked up from the phone and smirked.

“Giving you my number,” he said casually, as if it was something he did normally. “How else am I supposed to tell you when band practice is?” August was shocked. Him? In a band? Beck’s band?

“Did you need help with something?,” he repeated. “You came into the library for a reason, right?” Beck nodded as he handed August his phone.

“Um, yeah. I was actually looking for Cass. He works here, right?”

August smiled. “Yeah, he’s a good friend of mine. He’s actually not working today, but he will be on Monday.” Beck nodded in understanding.

“Oh, okay! Well, I should probably go. The Library was supposed to close two minutes ago, anyway,” Beck pointed to the clock. It was 9:02.

“Oh, um, yeah. See ya later, then!” August smiled as they headed up to the front desk. Beck turned to the exit.

“Yep! I’ll text you!” he waved as he slipped through the main doors and disappeared down the hall. August smiled as he hurried to close up the Library. He locked the main doors and started to head back to his dorm. Beck was going to _text_ him. He couldn’t wait.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s coffee time! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day! I probably won’t do this every time I post. My plan is to post a new chapter every Monday. I will be sure to notify you if that plan changes.<3
> 
> ~~~ = flashbacks/dreams  
> ....... = time skips

August was sitting on his bed, staring at his phone. He had been like this for the past ten minutes, eyes glued to the notification on his phone:

New message from **Beck:** Good morning Auggie!!!<3

He had been reading over and over again trying to figure out how to respond. He knew that it was just a simple text, but what about the heart at the end? Buffy put hearts at the end of texts all the time, but that was because they were childhood best friends. That was platonic. This was… August pushed all those thoughts away as he worked up the courage to unlock his phone and open his messages.

**August:** That’s not my name, asshole.

**Beck:** somebody hasn’t had their coffee this morning:(

**Beck:** wanna go get some?:)

**August:** Sure!

**Beck:** I actually have something 2 tell u

**August:** What is it?

**Beck:** if u were a book

**Beck:** i’d need glasses

**Beck:** because you’d definitely be fine print

**Beck:** ;)

**August:** That is the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to me.

**Beck:** ur welcome! Also, meet me in the student lounge in 10

**Beck:** coffee time! :D

August shut off his phone and bounded over to his wardrobe, where he threw on a cream colored oversized crop top sweater, pastel pink ripped skinny jeans, and baby blue boots. He was excited to see his new friend again, even though he had seen him less than twenty four hours prior. He decided to walk to the lounge since it wasn’t that far from his dorm. When he arrived, Beck wasn’t there yet, so he went ahead and ordered his usual: am iced caramel mocha with extra whip. He usually went to the little coffee shop a block or two away from campus where buffy worked, but he didn’t want to make Beck walk in the cold, so he made do with what he had. Beck walked through the door a few minutes later, wearing what looked vaguely like pajamas. He ordered some crazy, super customized latte.

“Okay,” Beck sighed as they sat down at a little table in the corner. “We’re gonna play a game to get to know each other.” August scrunched up his nose a little as he took a sip of his coffee.

“A game? Why?,” he asked. Beck chuckled softly.

“Everything is more fun with a game,” he said simply. August nodded in agreement.

“So, I have this list of random questions, okay? And each of us are going to scroll through the list, pick a question and ask it to the other. We have to answer honestly. Sound good?” Beck explained excitedly. August smiled.

“Yeah. Let’s play.” Beck’s eyes lit up like a kid opening his presents on Christmas.

“WHOO!” he yelled triumphantly. The adults running the food court in the lounge shot glares at the boys. “Oops,” he said quietly. August chuckled as Beck began scrolling through the list. “Okay,” he murmured after a moment. “You wake up suddenly in the middle of the night. What would be the scariest sound to hear after waking up?” August’s eyes widened and a grin spread across his face.

“Ooh, that’s a good one!” He loved questions like this. “Probably breathing, footsteps, um… oh! My mother’s voice, definitely,” he said. Beck let out one of his genuine, full-body laughs. “What?!? My mother is terrifying,” August explained. “Did you know, if you wake up at two to three a.m for know apparent reason, there is an 80% it’s because you’re being watched?” Beck’s jaw dropped in shock.

“Wait, are you serious? How do you know that?” he asked.

“I get bored,” August shrugged. “When I’m not reading or watching horror, I look up creepy facts.”

“Let me guess, you do it late at night while lying in bed in the dark?” August’s cheeks warmed as he looked down at his coffee. “ Oh my god, you do!” Beck chuckled. August snatched his phone and began scrolling through the questions.

“Can we stop talking about this? It’s my turn now, anyway,” August rolled his eyes. “Ooh! How about this one; what movie can you watch over and over and never get tired of?”

“That’s easy. IT. Stephen King,” Beck stated matter-of-factly. August gasped.

“Really?!? Me too! The movies or the miniseries?,” he asked.

“Both. I like the book, too. I’ve read it about a thousand times,” Beck said. August nodded.

“Same,” he agreed. “How many times have you watched the films?” Beck seemed to think about for a second before responding.

“About 10 times each. You?,” he looked at August expectantly.

“I lost count,” he murmured as he offered Beck a shy smile. “Okay, next question!” he said, sliding the phone back to Beck.

They continued playing for a couple hours, passing the Beck’s phone back and forth, taking turns asking and answering questions. August had more fun hanging out with Beck then he wanted to admit. Beck had a sort of split personality, August had realized. Sometimes, they would be having a completely normal conversation, and then out of nowhere, Beck would start to talk with an accent or make an inappropriate joke of some sort. August ended up using his middle fingers more that day than he ever had in his entire life.

At around three or four in the afternoon, Beck got a call from someone who Beck called Epi-pen. August was pretty sure that wasn’t the boys name, considering all the yelling from the other side of the phone. He tried his hardest not to laugh as he listened to Beck’s side of the conversation, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. He let the chuckle out when Beck lowered the phone from his ear.

“Sorry, that was one of my band members. He wants to go over some stuff,” Beck mumbled. August smiled as he shook his head.

“Yeah, I totally get it,” he said. “You shouldn’t keep him waiting,” August stood and moved to throw away the little pile of cups they had created. “I should probably check in with Cass, anyway,” He turned to see Beck looking at him with a small smile.

“Okay,”Beck said simply. “ Oh, and my band is practicing tomorrow,” he added. August had forgotten about the him-possibly-joining-Beck’s-band thing.

“Oh, well, I’ll be off tomorrow, so I should be able to come,” Beck’s face lit up as his grin grew bigger.

“Sweet! I’ll text you the info when I get back to my dorm, yeah?,” Beck’s grin was contagious, August found, as his own lips started to quirk up at the corners.

“Yeah,” he agreed.

………………

When August finally got back to his dorm, Cass was sitting at his desk, ice pack resting on his forehead as he sketched the outline of something, probably procrastinating about studying for the test he had coming up.

“What’s with the ice pack?,” Cass turned, his face breaking into a warm smile at the sight of August, his pinkish-orange eyes crinkling at the corners. August’s eyes were on the dark purple bruise on his temple, yellow ringed around the edges. Cass winced in pain as August gently poked the bruise with his fingertips. “Who do I need to murder for beating you up?”

He chuckled as he swatted August’s hand away. “No one, don’t worry, mother,” Cass teased as he ran a slender lightly tanned hand through his wavy dark brown hair. “On Friday, while I was working after you left, I was on the ladder in the horror section, restocking books, and a student tripped on one of the ladder’s legs. The ladder shifted and a few of the books I was holding fell off the stack and hit me in the face,” he stated. “It wasn’t the student’s fault. She was really nice and got me an ice pack, she probably apologized a thousand times.” August started to laugh.

“Oh my god, that’s amazing!” Cass tugged on the small gold hoops in his ear lobes, a habit he picked up after getting them pierced with Buffy.

“Not really,” he grumbled. “She probably thinks I hate her now. I don’t even know her name,” Cass looked down at his hands, now clasped together tightly in his lap.

“Oooooooh,” August wiggled his eyebrows teasingly. “Does somebody have a little crush on the mysterious clumsy library girl?” Cass’s head shot up, his face bright red.

“No!” Cass snapped defensively. “I just feel bad,” his gaze fell back down to his lap.

“Well,” August yawned. “I’m gonna take a nap. Wake me up if you need anything.” He kicked off his shoes and collapsed into his bed, slowly drifting off to sleep.

  
~~~~~~~

_“Faggot.”_

_“Queer.”_

_“A boy that loves boys is a dead boy.”_

_An ice cold hand wraps around his wrist in a vice grip, ripping him from the peaceful sleep he was in, dragging him into the shadows, where the words that were whispers moments ago were now ringing in his ears, being shrieked and screamed from everywhere by phantom mouths. Each voice sounded like his mother, but there was another one mixed in. A voice that sounded achingly familiar yet he couldn’t quite place it. He squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears with clammy hands._

_“GO AWAY!” he screamed, his vocal cords burning like he hadn’t used them in years._

_Silence._

_He slowly opened his eyes, sound filtering through his hands as soon as he did. He was laying on his back in a patch of grass, staring up at the gloomy sky. Where was he?_

_He tore his hands from over his ears as he heard someone yelling. A girl. He sat up, surprised to find that difficult as a sharp pain shot up his spine. There was a group of three boys in front of him, two of them holding back a small pale girl with dark, wavy hair._

_“Buffy?,” he mumbled. His cheek was throbbing, he had been punched there, he remembered, and was probably already starting to bruise._

_It was then he realized he was not his normal, 19 year old self. He was younger, probably 12 or 13. A wave of recognition passed over him as he looked up at the third boy. It was Phill Hucksley, a football jock and bully from their middle school. Panic and dread overtook him as he scrambled to his feet. He had to run. He didn’t want to get hurt._

_“Hey, freak! You won’t get away this time!” Phill shoved him. Hard. he stumbled backwards, trying and failing to regain his balance. As he fell, he swiveled and stuck his arm out as a last attempt to save him from falling to hard. He saw a rock, a sharp one, sticking out of the ground at the last minute. He tried to move his arm out of the way, but it was to late. He hit the ground._

_SNAP!_

_He let out a cry of pain as a sharp pain, the worst he’d ever felt, shot up his left arm. He looked down and let out a pained and choking sob. There was a long, deep gash across his forearm, blood pooling from the wound. Deep enough to leave a scar. His arm was bent at an awkward angle, part of the bone pressing against his skin, showing a lump. He screamed._

_“August.”_

_He could hear his name. Barely a whisper, but there it was again, gradually getting louder. He felt gentle hands grip his shoulders and start to shake him furiously. He turned to see who it was and-_

~~~~~~~

“August!”

August’s eyes pop open as he bolts upright in bed, gasping for air. Cass was staring at him with big concerned eyes. August scrambled for his inhaler, taking three long puffs before his breathing returned to normal.

“You good, buddy?,” Cass said so quietly, it was almost a whisper. August looked down at his left arm, where a long, jagged scar ran from wrist to elbow. It was thick and obvious, pink against his tan, freckled forearm. He didn’t trust his voice to stay steady, so he just shook his head as his vision began to blur. Cass didn’t push him to explain, his this happened at least once a week, the nightmares, Cass rushing into August’s room after hearing screams, finding August curled up in a ball on his bed, shaking, forehead shining with a layer of fear-induced sweat, wheezing and shrieking about broken bones and homophobia. August let the tears spill over onto his cheeks as Cass pulled him into a hug. He was one of the best huggers on planet earth, in August’s opinion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to leave some feedback in the comments!<3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> August meets the band!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~ = flashbacks/dreams
> 
> ....... = time skips

August was starting to get fed up with the kids in his Astronomy class. When his professor had asked for the weekend assignment on the history of U.S. satellites that morning, he had earned a collective “Wha…?” from the class. August had been the only one that had actually done the assignment, of course. Classes were finally over for the day, and August didn’t know how to feel. His mind was buzzing, sifting through everything that could go wrong at the band practice. What if he froze up when he tried to sing? What if the band members didn’t like him? What if he-

He forced the thoughts out of his mind as he started to sofly sing along to the music filtering through his earbuds, _Meet me in the Woods_ by _Lord Huron._ He shoved his hands into the pockets of the whitewashed ripped skinny jeans he wore,cuffed around the ankles, his pastel purple-and-white jumper tucked into them, topped off with a light brown belt and his favorite white Filas, silver sunglasses resting on the bridge of his freckled button nose. He decided to wear his small silver star earrings, his lucky charms, in a sense. He smiled as he landed a kickflip on his skateboard. He arrived at the auditorium a few minutes later, board and song notebook in hand, and swung the double doors open before he could psych himself out of going.

On the stage stood Beck and three other people August didn’t recognize, a girl and two boys. They froze and whirled around as the doors slammed into the wall with a loud bang!. August cringed, suddenly embarrassed. Why were the doors in this school so light? He was just opening the door like a normal person!

“AUGGIEEEE!” Beck practically leapt off the stage, bounding towards August with a wide grin on his face. August barely even had time to drop his stuff before Beck wrapped his arms around August’s waist, picking him up and spinning him around.

“Beck!” August laughed. “P-put me down!”

Beck let out one of his full-body laughs as he gently set August down, a genuine smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes that made August’s heart flutter.

“And my name’s not Auggie, dipshit,” August glared, trying to hide the blush that warmed his cheeks. The three other band members walked over, curious expressions adorning their faces.

“So, Beck are you gonna introduce us or not?” one of them asked.

The girl, Talazia, was as tall as August, which made him a little less self-conscious about his height, and fiery, shoulder-length wavy red hair flipped to the side. She had a heart-shaped face with big eyes, the left a sparkly deep green, the right a soft baby blue, ringed with black eyeshadow and mascara. Her button nose was slightly crooked and had a ring in between the nostrils. Dark freckles were sprayed across her tanned skin, and there was a scar on her forehead that cut through her left eyebrow. She had full, pink lips, shaped into a soft smile. Her frame was small, but she was strong, judging by her toned biceps. She had strong legs, probably a dancer. She had a unique style, too, ripped mom jeans, rolled up to just below her calf muscles, a pink, yellow, and blue friendship bracelet poking out from beneath the tongue of her white converse. At the waist, her jeans were held by a thick brown belt, her white t-shirt tucked in. There was a simple black choker around her neck that matched the hoops in her ears and the paint on her nails.

The darker boy, Francisco,or Fran, was mexican, he had explained, and was on the taller and more muscular side, with his broad shoulders and towering height. He had wavy, jawline-length hair, pulled into a small bun. His hazel eyes stared down curiously at August from behind big black glasses that were perched on his broad nose. He wore a maroon button up, tucked into black skinny jeans. He wore white vans that were covered in a faint layer of dirt. His sleeves were rolled up, showing a few faint scars on his elbows, popping out against dark skin.

The last boy, Espen, was pale, covered in freckles, and scrawny, an inch or two shorter than Beck. The sides and back of his head were shaved, the top a mess of curly ginger hair. His eyes were a dark brown, almost black, and sad, almost. He wore a simple sleeveless grey hoodie with bright blue ripped skinny jeans and black sneakers.

August looked over at Beck. He looked like he had just rolled out of bed. He wore black sweatpants with a tie-dye shirt, black and neon pink converse, his black curls frizzy and all over the place, colored tips sticking out in all directions. August thought he looked adorable, though he would probably never tell anyone that.

He looked up to see four pairs of eyes staring at him expectantly. Someone had asked him something, he realized.

“Oh, uh… sorry… what did you say?,” August asked.

Talazia chuckled softly. “You wanna join the band, right?,” she asked, her left eyebrow quirking up. He opened his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by Beck.

“Well, of course he does! Why else would he be here?,” Beck exclaimed, reaching over to ruffle August’s hair playfully. August reached up to swat the boy’s hand away.

“Yeah, I wanna join,” he clarified. Talazia’s broke into a wide grin as she pulled august into a warm hug. August decided right then and there that Talazia was the second best hugger in the world. Her hugs were warm, inviting, and smelled like strawberry shortcake. She seemed to throw her whole being into the hug, just like Cass did. He made a mental note to introduce them to each other at some point.

“So, you ready to sing?,” she asked as she pulled away. He froze, suddenly remembering why he was so nervous. Talazia seemed to read his mind, as a look of understanding spread across her face.

“I have an idea! I’ll sing one of our songs, and then you can sing one that you’ve written,” she suggested, pointing to the black notebook tucked safely under his arm. He nodded, not trusting his voice to stay steady. Talazia grinned before turning around and walking towards the stage, the other band members following close behind. Beck hooked his arm through August’s and started skipping down the aisle of the auditorium, August stumbling and laughing behind him. He sat down in one of the seats in the front row and looked up to the stage.

He quickly learned what role each member played in the band; Talazia was the lead singer, Beck was the drummer, Fran was the guitarist, and Espen was bass. The three were also backup vocals and dancers from time to time, which August was very excited to see.

A sweet melody started to play from the guitar, and August already loved the music filtering through the speakers of the auditorium. He watched as Talazia took a deep breath and started to sing.

_We feel repressed_

_By the judgmental stares of others_

_We get obsessed_

_With pleasing our fathers and mothers_

_We change ourselves_

_So that we can blend in with the crow_ d

_But let me tell you something_

_You were made to stand out_

The drums and bass started to play, the three guys joining in as the backup vocals, singing into their own mics.

_You are you_

_And I am me_

_And that’s exactly who we’re supposed to be_

_Because we_

_Are like snowflakes falling_

_No two are the same_

_Life’s a game_

_But it is way more fun_

_When you are yourself_

_And not trying to be someone else_

The music was… it couldn't be described in one word. It was a feeling, a sense of belonging, of acceptance, love. He could feel the emotion put into the lyrics and melody like it was physically touching him, enveloping him in a hug, warm and secure, making him feel safe and comfortable. This was what the music was meant to do, he decided, as a warm smile spread across his face.

Talazia started bounce on the balls of her feet to the beat of the music, bopping her head side to side. The band looked as if that was where they belonged, like they were born to be on that stage, singing, dancing, and playing the music they wrote.

August automatically missed the music when the song was over. Now it was his turn. He nervously flipped through his worn notebook, not knowing what to sing. He looked for a fairly short song, one that was completed. He finally decided to sing one of his older ones, Fight for It. He made his way up to the mic, head spinning as he thought of everything that could go wrong. He took a deep breath, in for 4, hold for 6, out for 8, and began to sing the beginning of the song.

_The deep, dark world is something I should be afraid of_

_The shadows round the edges creeping out to take a hold of_

_The picture perfect fake smiles plastered on our faces_

_It’s tempting, so tempting, maybe I should just embrace it_

His eyes fluttered shut, giving him the confidence to sing louder.

_The pain_

_It never goes away_

_So the weak decide_

_to numb it instead_

_They’ve tried_

_Oh, they’ve tried_

_To make me, too_

_But I’m strong_

_I’ll fight_

_You should, too_

Silence. He slowly opened his eyes, his face reddening as he saw the four slack-jawed band members staring up at him with wide eyes. Beck was the first to snap out of his shock, grinning so wide, August was sure his face would crack in half. He stood and started to clap faster than August had ever seen. The other three band members followed suite a few seconds later, the loud, hollow noise of applause echoing off the walls.

August cautiously hopped off of the stage, immediately enveloped in a group hug full of excited laughter and smiling faces.

“Well, I would say let’s vote, but it looks like the decision’s unanimous,” Talazia said once everyone unraveled from the embrace. “Welcome to the band, August.”

…………………….

“We should do a team building activity,” Talazia suggested. The band was sitting in a circle on the floor in the middle of the stage. Beck was softly tapping a beat into the scuffed black wood with his drumsticks that he seemed to always have with him. August looked up at Talazia, confused.

“Team building?” he asked. Talazia nodded.

“Yeah so we can all bond, you know? We wanna get to know you a little better, and you should get to know us a little better, too. We’ll all benefit from it, and I think it’ll be fun!” she explained cheerily. “We could even write a song about it. I know this really beautiful nature trail that I like to walk down whenever I’m having trouble finding inspiration. We can go on Friday, after classes get out.”

August thought about it for a minute. “Sounds good. Cass is working in the Library that day, so I should be able to go,” Talazia’s eyes widened as she made a strangled noise in the back of her throat.

“You- you work at the library?” she asked.

“Yeah, I work there with my best friend, Cass. He’s awesome. You guys should meet him sometime, I think you would like him,” he stated simply. Bek snickered as he gave Talazia a knowing glance. August quirked an eyebrow up at her as she ducked her head, trying and failing to hide her bright red face.

“What’s wrong?”, August asked, utterly confused. Beck smirked at Talazia before turning to August.

“She likes Cass,” he blurted out. Talazia’s head shot up, revealing a bright red face giving Beck the deadliest glare August had ever witnessed. He was surprised Beck didn’t shrivel up and die on the spot.

“Beck, shut up,” she said angrily, punching Beck’s arm with ring covered knuckles. Beck winced. August could tell there would be a bruise there later. “It doesn’t matter anyway. He hates me.” August’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

“Wait, wait, wait, why do you think he hates you?” Talazia looked down again, Becks smirk growing like a weed.

“On Friday-,” Talazia’s shot a hand out, attempting to cover his mouth, but Beck held her arm back from his face, determined to finish speaking. “On Friday, she went to the Library and was walking down an isle with her face shoved in a book, and then she tripped over a ladder-” August burst out laughing before Beck could finish.

“Wait! That was you?,” he said between giggles. “Oh my god, I can’t believe it!” She looked at August worriedly.

“Cass told you? Oh no, he does hate me!” she groaned, falling back into Fran’s lap. August grabbed her wrist and dragged her back up into a sitting position.

“He doesn’t hate you,” he said in a comforting tone. “How about this. I have a shift starting at the Library in, like, 20 minutes. You can come with me and apologize or whatever, and then I can actually properly introduce you guys.” Talazia seemed to contemplate this for a minute before slowly nodding.

“Okay,” she mumbled, standing up and brushing dust off her pants. Beck and August followed suit. “Let’s just go now, before I have time to psych myself out of this.” Talazia jumped off the stage and headed toward the double doors.

……………….

August did an ollie on his skateboard gracefully and effortlessly, on the path to the Library. He was trying to go slower than he usually did so he didn’t leave his new friends behind, and doing tricks was the easiest way to do that. Well, he also really wanted to impress Beck. Not because he liked him, though. He didn’t like Beck. Did he?

He did a pop-shove-it-360, one of his absolute favorite tricks to do. When he was in 9th grade, he saved up enough money to buy a skateboard behind his mother’s back. Ever since August had broken his arm on a rock in middle school his mother refused to let him get a skateboard, but it was getting to the point where he had to fix his bike almost every day, and he really wanted a skateboard, so he bought one anyway. What his mom didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. He would hide it under his bed, and had practiced for hours on end, perfecting all sorts of tricks and flips. It was the skateboard he was still using now, with all its scratches and chips and faded stickers. He refused to get a new one. This skateboard held too much sentimental value.

August stopped his skateboard a few feet away from the Library door, grabbed it, and kept walking in one swift, practiced motion without missing a beat. He pushed the door open, catching it seconds before it crashed against the wall. He held it for Beck and Talazia as they walked through.

“A pro skater and a gentleman?,” Talazia teased Beck. “You got yourself a keeper.” Beck’s face turned a warm shade of pink, while August could feel his own face warming to a dark crimson.

“August, hey!” Cass jogged up to him, a bright smile on his face. The bruise on his temple was still really dark and really obvious.

“Hey, Cass,” he gave a warm smile. “Um, I made friends. This is Beck and this is Talazia.” he pointed to them. Cass seemed to recognise Talazia right away, his cheeks turning a faint pink. Strange…

“You’re the girl who-” Cass pointed to his bruise as Talazia ducked her head, her face bright red. He gave a warm laugh. “Um, I’m Cason, but my friends call me Cass.” He held out his hand for a friendly shake. She took it and smiled.

“Well, you already know my name,” she chuckled. “But my friends call my Tala.” Cass gave her hand a good few shakes before dropping it.

“Nice to officially meet you, Tala.” Cass said.

“Nice to meet you, too.” She looked up at his bruise and cringed. “And, I’m really sorry about, you know…” Cass chuckled.

“It’s completely fine,” he said. Tala visibly relaxed. “Um, I’m actually about to head out, since my shift’s over. Wanna go get milkshakes?”

“Yeah, sure,” she said. Cass grinned.

“Okay, let’s go! See ya later, Aug. Don’t get into too much trouble while I’m gone,” Cass called as he walked out the door with Talazia. August chuckled.

“Farewell, Cassie. Better be back before eight,” August said in his best old lady voice. Cass flipped him off before closing the door. August chuckled as he pulled out the returned books from the day and started stacking them on the old metal library cart. Beck was perched on the front desk, jumping off to follow August when he started to walk away with the metal cart, ready to start returning the books to their proper homes. He sat on the cart when all the books were gone, wiping the sweat from his brow. Beck smirked, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He walked over to the cart. Oh no.

“Beck-,” he was cut off by the screech that escaped his throat as Beck grabbed the handles of the cart and started sprinting down the aisles, drifting when he turned the corners and making car engine noises. “BECK! STOP, PLEASE!,” August was gripping the corner of the cart for dear life, along with the only other thing he could find: Becks arm.

After a few more minutes of racing around the Library, Beck came to a stop, almost flipping the cart over in the process. August had ended up lying down, his back pressed against the cool metal in an attempt to not fly off, a vice grip on Beck’s forearm and the side of the cart. He looked up to find Beck staring at him with his crystal blue ocean eyes and a soft smile, his cheeks colored a light shade of pink.

August was unsure how long the two stayed like that, getting lost in each other's eyes, a comfortable silence hanging in the air, the only sound being their soft breathing . The moment was broken as the sharp, piercing ring of a bell echoed through the library. August sat up quickly, his forehead crashing against Beck’s in the process. They shared a soft chuckle as they rushed to the front desk, August grabbing his phone and looking at the screen.

INCOMING CALL FROM: **Mother**

August sighed and rubbed his forehead before answering the call. “Hi, mom,” he mumbled glumly.

“Gus Gus!” His mother's voice was sickeningly sweet as she greeted him with the nickname she knew he hated. “How are you? How’s school?” she asked.

“School’s fine,” he answered mechanically. Their conversations were always the same. His mother asked about school, he said it was fine, she asked about work, he told her it was great.

It was still the same right up until his mother asked, “So, do you have a girlfriend yet?”

He froze. What was he supposed to say? The last thing he wanted to do was get into an argument with his mother over the phone when Beck was literally standing right there. He sighed and shook his head.

“Mom, we’ve been over this about a million times. I…” August snuck a quick glance at Beck, who was trying -and failing- to look as if he was not eavesdropping on the phone conversation. “I-I’m gay.”

Beck’s head shot up and he met August’s eyes, his shocked expression quickly breaking out into a huge smile. August gave him a shy grin in return as he let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.

“There’s a nice young lady that lives just down the street from me,” his mother said, ignoring August completely. “She’s a year younger than you, and she’s in a medical program! She’s absolutely perfect for you.”

“Mom, I-”

“Babe, who are you talking to?” Beck said from behind him. He had stepped closer while August was occupied with his ignorant mother and had heard everything she had to say. August looked over his shoulder at a smirking Beck, who was obviously quite pleased with whatever he was trying to do.

“Who was that?” his mother asked, her voice wound tighter than a violin string. August cleared his throat as he scrambled to think of an explanation for what Beck had said.

“Uhm-”

“Babe, come back to bed, I wanna cuddle…” Beck whined, interrupting August once more, smirking and stifling a laugh when August jabbed him in the ribs.

“ _Stop it!_ ” August whispered harshly as Beck opened his mouth to continue his little act.

“Gus Gus…” his mother said sternly. “Do you have a… _boyfriend_?” She spat out the last word with such disgust, it made August’s stomach start doing kickflips.

“I…” he honestly had no idea what to say, so he chose the route any man in his situation would do. “I gotta go. Bye, mom!” He chose to run away from the problem at hand. As soon as he hung up, Beck released the laugh he had been desperately holding in. And boy, was it loud.

The laughter quickly died down as August spun around and gave Beck the deadliest glare he could muster as he growled, “Why. The _fuck_. Did you do that?” He didn’t give Beck time to answer as he continued to rant, his voice growing louder and louder. “Do you have any fucking clue what you just _did_? You said all that to my _mother_. My fucking _MOTHER_ , for fuck’s sake! You can’t even _begin_ to understand how fucking homophobic she is. When I first told her I was gay, she went through the five stages of grief. But instead of going through all of them, she got stuck on denial. And guess what? She’s still fucking stuck there! Now, she’s gonna be pestering me about this for god _knows_ how long! I can’t fucking _believe_ you right now. Like, what the absolute _fuck_? You can’t just say stuff like that! Why are you so… so… _ugh_!” He was done. This was so fucking stupid. He couldn’t deal with it anymore. He just wanted to think about it. About everything. Without giving even the smallest glance in Beck’s direction, August snatched his belongings up from where they were leaning against the main desk and stormed out of the library, slamming the door so hard behind him, the walls shook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to leave some feedback in the comments! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to leave some feedback in the comments! <3


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